Committing to Self-Focus

Secret Five
This one was tough! I'm actually not even burdened with the challenges so many women have. I am not married, I don't have children. With that alone, I alone own my time and I wonder why this chapter was so difficult to get through. Perhaps it was because of having to reflect on early childhood learnings: What did you learn about being selfish as a child? What did your mother teach you about your role as a woman? How do you distinguish a self-focused women from a narcissistic woman?

Well, let's start from the top, shall we?

As I child I learned that being selfish was not nice. I also learned that being selfish got me what I wanted. I remember several several pouting episodes locked up in my room, sobbing because I didn't get what I wanted. I don't ever remember those episodes yielding me what I wanted but I imagine there was some benefit...why would I do that over and over again, unless of course I did genuinely feel hurt and I do remember that it was at times I was genuinely feeling unloved or unwanted in some way....hmmm it's a very fuzzy memory.

My mother didn't intentionally teach me anything about my role as a woman, other than living her life. And, in her I saw a stellar homemaker, a woman who never made a decision completely on her own (that really bugged me as she always deferred to the closest man present, uggh!!!) and a career woman, a woman who in her 40s went back to school so she could begin a successful and celebrated 20-year career as a teacher once her children had grown up. Wow, that was cool. Hmmm, I' m wondering if the "deferring decisions to the closest guy around-thing" irritated me so much that it's taken me this long to learn how to really share in decisions with a partner. I'm struggling with knowing whether I want or need love. Perhaps there is something in here.

The way I distinguish a self-focused woman from a narcissistic woman is that I don't. I don't know what that means. I know plenty of designer fashion wearing, money spending women who have families and volunteer with charities. I know plenty of women who focus on "self" and genuine personal growth and don't contribute much to society or drain the heck out of everyone around them. Well, maybe that the answer. A self focused woman is one who works to contributes something beautiful to herself and in that to her surroundings, like her art, or her time or her good mood because she is taking care of herself and a narcissistic woman is one who drains.

The last part of this secret that really spoke to me was this question: Think of other women you know that you could support by offering to help them commit to their creativity. There is a very special woman in my life who is an intensely creative soul and I am going to reach out to find out how I can help to support her creativity. Like the book says: I could babysit for her, attend classes with her, or simply talk with her about her work and her goals. I will learn more about myself in the process.

Beautiful.